I am in South Korea to visit my sister whom I haven’t seen in over three years. Hubby and I always FaceTime every time I am away from home. This time was no different. Every night and sometimes even during the day. We follow this routine – I talk to him, then talk to Ollie, and then I check on what Aiden is doing. Either hubby or Ollie takes the phone to Aiden so I can see what he’s doing. I tell him to give me a kiss and he obliges. I tell him “I love him very…”, to which sometimes he’ll respond to our “much!” and other times, he’ll walk away and go on about whatever it was he was doing.
This morning when I called, it was different. He was angsty and then he became emotional. Hubby and I knew, I was the trigger. Although we didn’t know how I did it, we just knew I did it. I was thinking maybe because I was asking him too many questions and overwhelming him. We agreed to end the call. When something (or someone) triggers unwanted emotion/behavior – we have learned to redirect by removing the trigger.
About five minutes later, Hubby sends me a picture. It’s a picture of Aiden hugging my pink pajama. It’s actually his favorite . If he could, he would have me wear it e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y! Hubby called to tell me, Aiden got it from my closet and he started walking around the house hugging it. Hubby said he started calming down.
We concluded – Aiden misses me (perhaps more than usual) so when I called, I definitely triggered an unwanted emotion. Hubby said, “No matter how much Ollie and I love you, it’ll never compare to how much this little guys loves you.”
It’s true. I feel it. Aiden loves me.
My little peanut, I called you
My little peanut, I admired you
I adored you the first time I saw you
I loved you the moment I held you.
As I carried you in my loving arms
I promised to protect you from harm
As I touched your little fingers
I vowed to forever hold your hand.
I resolved to carry your burdens
I resolved to endure your pains
I resovled to give you all of me
So that in life, you will never have to worry.
But my love, with all of my intentions
Life has taken us in a different direction
Your world has become different than mine
I often wonder what goes on in your mind.
I hurt when I cannot undestand you
When you’re angry, I get very angry too
When you are sad, I feel my heart bleed
In a split and reclusive moment, I grieve.
I grieve for the promises I made
I grieve for the chaos in your head
I grieve for the noises I can’t silence
I grieve for the what-might-have-been’s
But my grief bears no weight
Your love quickly mends any hurt
What your dad says cannot be any more true
No one truly loves me like you do.
Thank you, my peanut.
Thank you, my heart.
While I can’t carry the world on your behalf,
I promise to always have your back.